Ever questioned whether you’re good enough for your partner?
Or been made to feel like you should do more for him or behave and think differently to how you do? I had this feeling for the first year of my relationship… After having not long come out of a messy break up, I was dealing with a lot of guilt and blame and was a hot mess. My emotions and were all over the place, as was I. But in the midst of my heartache I met an amazing guy who went on to become my wonderful Boyfriend, miraculously….
So, the story goes that I met my incredible guy however he had some specific idea’s of what a girlfriend should be (which we joke about now) His views were some what the opposite of mine and certainly did not match my independent, 21stcentury, I don’t need a man issues…We fell in love but we constantly argued. Our arguments would get so out of hand that each time one of us would decide it was never going to work, so we were on and off more than prostitute’s knickers. There was no consistency and although admittedly it was mostly me who would break it off, it was because I just couldn’t fit this mould he wanted me to be and so honestly believed that we were never going to work.
I ended up continuously trying to change myself to be my boyfriend’s version of what a girlfriend should be. I was desperate for him to just accept me as I was, but after frequently being told that I was not good enough, along with the guilt and blame from my previous relationship, I begin to create so many doubts about myself and started questioning whether I was a good human let alone girlfriend. I began to worry if I would ever be able to meet anyone else that would want me if I were single. After a year I realised that I was lost. In trying to change myself for my BF I had actually lost myself. Who the f*ck had I become with all this self-doubt about who I was. The light finally switched on and I realised that no matter how much I tried to be who he wanted me to be in hope he would change and accept me, it was never enough. I was never going to be good enough for him. There was always something else I wasn’t doing to fit his ‘mould’ of what a girlfriend should be. Unless I agreed with this mould 100% and completely gave up who I was then it was never going to work.
So this was when I learned the biggest lesson EVER ladies….
Never change yourself for the sake of someone else. You can only ever be YOU and that is and will always be enough!
Yes of course we want to please our partners and we as humans all want to be loved, it would be stupid of me to tell you not to worry if you’re not right for someone you love, because it hurts and yes, it’s bloody hard to swallow. But what I will tell you is to love yourself more because self love is the most important love. When you learn to love yourself it makes it easier to find acceptance and let go of the wrong person or the wrong relationship. Having a healthy, loving relationship with yourself gives you a strong sense of self-belief and self-trust, which means you won’t feel the need change to fit someone else’s definition of a women/wife/ or girlfriend, because you’ll have an inner confidence with who you are and what you have to offer the right person. Own who you are, be who you want to be and if you want to change then make sure you do it because it’s your choice, otherwise you’ll end up getting lost trying to be someone you’re not. You can never be truly happy if you spend your life constantly trying to live up to someone else’s expectations. Set your own and live by them.
Whilst you might not be right for one particular person, it doesn’t mean you wont be the perfect package for another.
Whilst I knew I loved my boyfriend I had to realise that love wasn’t enough. I had to accept and love myself unconditionally so that I could take back my power and let go. I remembered I was a pretty fab woman and girlfriend, regardless of what my BF thought and decided that if he didn’t like it then I was done. I started to believe that their would be someone out there who would accept every bit of me because I did, so finally stood up for who I was. Ironically in doing this my boyfriend backed away from trying to change me. He took responsibility and realised his views were part of our issues and that it wasn’t just me. Equally I realised that there were some things I wanted to change to make me a better girlfriend, regardless of whether it was for him or another guy. I wanted to change myself to be a better person for ME. We literally 180’d our relationship because we chose to work on ourselves and took responsibility. Neither one of was telling the other that they weren’t enough or that they needed to change. Instead we chose to work on ourselves and in doing this we strengthened our relationship and fully accepted one another.
Now days we laugh about the times my BF used to tell me all the things I wasn’t because now he’s grateful for all of me. Even the annoying imperfections I have, because after all those things make me the unique being I am, just as all your imperfections make you ‘one of a kind and more than enough too’