So I was having one of those deep chats with one of my bestie’s the other day, who has just gone through a break up that wasn’t really her choice, (although it should have been) when she came out with the line that she had always felt lucky to have been with her boyfriend. My back instantly went up, clearly triggered by her exclamation. You see I know my friend well and not only is she gorgeous, but she also has a whole heap of amazing qualities that make her a great catch for the right man. To be honest I actually thought he was the lucky one (I wasn’t much of a fan of his)
So why did this make me so friggin mad I hear you ask… At that moment I could see that my friend had totally de-valued herself. She said that she had always looked at her boyfriend as a catch. That he was better than her and she felt like she needed to feel grateful that he had chosen to be with her.
Listen to me ladies, DON’T EVER FEEL LUCKY THAT A MAN HAS CHOSEN TO BE WITH YOU! You are one hell of a catch and it’s up to you to believe it.
I spent several years not believing this about myself after being bullied because of my race. At school I was always the one without the boyfriend because none of the boys would date me. When I did finally get a boyfriend, I was told we had to keep our relationship a secret. Can you believe I agreed to this (It makes me cringe every time I re-tell this story) I agreed because I felt so lucky that this guy had finally chosen to be with me.
What I now realise, is that thinking like this totally dis-empowers you. Ultimately you are saying to your man ‘Please take me because I am not good enough for anyone else.’ This mindset has a huge affect on the dynamics of your relationship, because it creates an imbalance of power. When one partner starts to feel like they have more control or the upper hand, often things begin become messy and unequal.
Feeling this way stops you from making the decisions that are right for you in your relationship. Because when you fear losing your partner you become insecure and often avoid looking into whether your partner is even meeting your needs and really making you happy.
This was exactly what happened to my friend. Her BF had not been meeting her needs or making her truly happy for a long time, but she had kept sticking it out and going back. Although he was the one to finish it with her, he really did do her a favor, because she had tried for so long to get what she needed from him and he just couldn’t give it to her. Now she can realise this as well as all she has to bring to a new relationships with the right guy.
It all comes down to the way you view yourself. You have to believe that you are 100% worthy of your relationship, because YOU are. Feeling lucky will only create feelings of adequacy and insecurity, which in turn causes a whole heap of other relationship problems.
Trust that you are ENOUGH, own your worth and believe you deserve to be in a relationship with an incredible man because you too are incredible. I’m not saying don’t be appreciative of your partner, because you need to be, but it’s about being appreciative of yourself too.
I feel grateful to have found my boyfriend – but he too feels grateful to have found me. We are both lucky to be with ONE-ANOTHER and we both know all we have to bring to our relationship. It’s a two-way thing.
Having this kind of empowering mindset ladies will give you a healthy, balanced relationship you want.
My 3 Tips to help you Value Yourself in your Relationship
1 – List down all the amazing qualities YOU have. There is no-one else in this world like you and that is your super power
2- Ask family members or good friends, people you trust to tell you what they love about you and the relationship you have with them. This will tell you how you are showing up in the other relationships in your life and you’ll see what qualities YOU bring to your relationship with others
3- Know what your needs are and honour them. No one knows you more than you know yourself, making sure you are getting what you need to be happy.