Breaking up with someone you want to love is one of the hardest things EVVERRR. It’s not nice and no matter how many scenarios you run in your head, there is just no easy way to do it.
I was chatting to a good friend the other day who has just gone through this process and having been there myself I could totally identify with so much of what she was saying. The guilt, the blame, feeling like the most horrible person in the world… Yep, been there got the T-shirt.
It’s so hard when one of you has exited the relationship but the other hasn’t. Both of you are going through you own set of emotions but just because you were the one that ended it doesn’t mean that yours aren’t just as important and valid. I remember feeling like I wasn’t allowed to be sad because I was the one who’d done the breaking up, but the truth was I was devastated. Letting go of someone I had once loved and still loved (but wasn’t in love with) was painful and I wished so much that ‘I could just feel the way I used to’ but I couldn’t and deep down I new we were no longer supposed to together and I therefore had to make a choice.
It’s You or Him…
And that’s exactly what it comes down to…. The choice to make yourself happy or to suppress your happiness for the sake of sparing your partner pain. It’s kind of like you or him really? No, it won’t feel nice but in this one life we live it’s our duty to make sure we are living the best life we can, and that ladies comes from listening to our own needs and honouring ourselves first. It’s not easy breaking up with someone who wants the opposite to you but you have to prioritise your needs first. Listen to yourself and your feelings because only you know what makes you happy and if that means breaking up, then love and value yourself enough to trust your decision. It’s not selfish but necessary to live a life that you deserve.
If you’re breaking up with someone under these circumstances, you never want to intentionally hurt them but the fact is you are going to. You are going to cause them pain and no matter how hard you try, or how nicely you do it, you are going to hurt them. That however does not mean you are a bad person; let me repeat ‘YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON’. It is inevitable that there will be hurt and pain and I mean on both sides. What’s even harder is that you can’t understand what your partner is going through because you’re literally on the other side. You can try but you’ll never really get it unless you have walked those shoes and even then, that was your experience and this is theirs, so it’s all about allowing each other to go through your own personal process.
Give yourself permission to care for You!
As the person who is initiating the break up you must remember that your feelings are valid and so is your process. Feeling guilty or telling yourself you’re horrible only makes you feel worse and creates an unequal dynamic between you and your ex. By punishing yourself with these feelings you give your ex permission to play the victim role. This is were emotional manipulation can take shape, because your ex see’s your guilt so plays on it because it becomes the only way to get your attention in their time of desperation. They may behave or say certain things that enhance your guilt or even manipulate you into certain behaviours, which you won’t even realise you’re doing because you’re so focused on making them feel better, that you’ve forgotten about yourself. Give yourself permission to feel the upset and sadness you need to and care for yourself more during this time, so you don’t get caught up being too emotional responsible for him. Your feelings are valid so allow them. I’m not telling you not to care about your ex because then you wouldn’t be a nice normal human, but you need to be more thoughtful and kinder to yourself as you ride that rocky terrain. Stop giving yourself such a hard time for doing what’s best for you. Put down the baton you’re hitting yourself with, let go of the negative talk and instead praise yourself for taking that courageous step towards happiness.
4 Tips to help you navigate your break up journey…
Firstly fully accept that you will hurt your ex. This allows you to let go of the guilt and blame. It’s not intentional but it’s inevitable, so accept this and do your best to respect them during this time but also remember to respect your needs first. If breaking up is what you want then you’re not a bad person, you’re honouring yourself which is powerful.
CHANGE YOUR VOCAB
Replace the word ‘horrible’ with ‘Courageous’ – It takes strength and courage to break up with someone you once loved and who still loves you. It could be easier to stay and succumb to misery so you don’t have to deal with the messy process but in listening to yourself you’re doing what’s right for you and that is extremely courageous, not horrible.
BOTH OR YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR FEELINGS
Don’t allow your ex to play the victim role. Allow them to feel and process what they need to in their own way, but don’t let that create an in-balance. You too have your own process to go through and each of you will be having different experiences to the other, but BOTH of your feelings are valid, even though they are different. There is no point measuring or comparing what one another are going through
Become aware of when you are berating yourself or holding those feelings of guilt and blame and remind yourself that you deserve to be happy. You have one life and only you can create your happiness. Your made this choice for a reason and in your heart you know it’s the right one so trust and love yourself for it.